mental illness

A lot has been happening the last few weeks. I had lunch with my brother after yoga that week and returned to work in a daze: It was bomb after bomb after bomb — erratic and dangerous behavior, sleeplessness, weight loss, wild ideas. I was overwhelmed and underprepared for what would ensue.

Without going into great detail, the remainder of that week involved many phone calls with my parents, a trip to my former IVF therapist for any tips/insights/suggestions, a call to the national suicide prevention hotline for resources, little sleep or food, and an abundance of stress I never knew was even possible.

The following week, my parents visited. I’d created a timeline of dangerous and erratic behaviors that span the course of the last several years. My parents have added much to it. Through discussion with them, I realized that my concerns were really just the tip of deep iceberg.

I am now trying to draw boundaries with my parents so that they understand that while I love my brother, my top priority has to remain with my own family. I have three kids to raise and their mental, emotional, and physical needs are at the top of my decision making around these topics.

I’ve been so distracted reading about mental illness [bipolar], looking for potential apartments for my parents (should they relocate), and processing all of this while maintaining structure and safety at home as I try to help my brother regain autonomy in his own life.

Still, I am trying to prioritize my health because I think it keeps me focused or distracted and honestly, I’m so exhausted lately that I’m not sure which. While I am not engaging with my family as I typically do (I am clearly distracted), I am trying to maintain a sense of calm at home — staying with our routines, meals, dog walks, and activities. I feel like all of this is burning me out but at the same time, I need my own level of normalcy as well.

I’m not sure if anyone has been in a position where they were completely caught off guard by concern that someone close would cause severe self-harm. It’s really scary and I feel like I just needed a space to throw some of this energy into the universe and hope that a little of the stress leaves my shoulders while trying to be as supportive to my own family, my parents, and of course my brother in the meantime.

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